So you can’t read my poker face especially thru the phone…I kept my cool. At least that’s what i think.
So, it’s been months since my divorce was final and I have wished my ex happy holidays and this past week I decided to call him just to say hi.
I blame it on being tipsy and alone waiting for a damn bus too long.
Any who, kept my cool and told him good for him all the works. But it was a different story once the conversation finished.
Waterfalls took over my eyes and I just couldn’t stop them. At that moment, I kept thinking : why the hell am I crying? then : this fucker found love and will probably get married before me!
Not once I realized better her than me. Or the fact I made the decision to leave him.
45 minutes later I finally made it home with the most puffy eyes I have ever experience out in public. Shared the news with one of my sisters and came with the conclusion I was a mess because it was one of those off guard things. Or just urprised he told me. So being unexpected news was the results of my emotions. Also, lets not forget the fact I have recently switched my birth control so that has me hormonal, aka sensitive. 
I am dating but not once I thought of sharing my news with him. Now I can’t help but wonder why…
But the story gets better when I get a text and see a missed call from him inviting me for lunch or dinner the next day. The reason: up to this day unknown since I declined.
THAT would really be ridiculous. One thing is quick phone call another thing is actually spending time together.
I have no intentions and I can guarantee that was my last call to him.
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technology gives us an opportunity to stay connected, reunite with old friends and make new ones. Oh, yes – also an opportunity to know everyone’s business if not too careful.
Thanks to technology, if you are not too careful your secrets will be known.
Great example, last night while browsing Facebook. My sister and I came across a post from one of our three strange half-brother on how happy he feels with his baby. And no, we not talking about his sweetheart, aka. girlfriend.
Secret is out and apparently my father, his father gets a text from my sister informing him he is or will become a grandfather!
Well let me tell you, it was as much as a surprise for him as it was for us…but to be honest, I wasn’t all that shocked with the news since according to FB pics, he is the only one of the brothers with a girlfriend and in love.
Dont get me wrong, a child is a beautiful thing. But there is a lot to think about when you are around 18 years old, no job and financially dependent by other people! IF you are thinking correctly and responsible, having a child is definitely NOT the right thing to do!
People can sometimes be so irresponsible…but what really pisses me off is the fact he doesn’t have a clue half of his financial help comes from my naive oldest sister who has taken on the responsibility to help him and his brothers!!!
- THAT is what pisses me off. :-/ WHoooFFF HIM!!!!!!
I am a true believer on dreams always mean something. At least for me. I guess I’m in tune with my unconscious more than other people. Whenever I have a bizarre dream or nightmare, I look it up thru my favorite dream site. And according to the symbols dreams often refer to certain feelings from my waking life. OR even situations between me and others.
Last night’s dream: A group of people as big as a community were punishing a man by locking him up in a barn of some sort and burning him alive! But at the same time, I had blood on me and this made me feel bummed I was going to miss the burning since I felt I had to clean myself. So, I ran inside my friend’s house to attempted to wash the blood off. My friend, the same person who in my dream was pregnant with her second child and just happened to be giving birth at the same time as all this was happening. But no worries, she missed the whole commotion of burning the man alive and my blood since she was at the hospital literally giving birth.
So here it goes: definition according to a dreams website:
BLOOD:
“To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments…Women often dream of blood or of someone bleeding, shortly before or during their periods or while they are pregnant.”
Let just say I don’t like the idea of being prego at the moment and I can guarantee this is not the case. Since I know, my ‘luna’ is coming soon. TMI, I know.
Then, the dude that was being burned means:
To dream that you or someone is being burned alive, suggests that you are being consumed by your own ambition.
….To dream that a house is on fire, indicates that you need to undergo some transformation.
My ambitions…hmm..well, I am trying to go back to school. I think about it day and night. Its stressing me since working fulltime will be impossible. The schedule will be a conflict at work and lets just say my boss is not the nicest.
Other than that, I can’t think of another thing that can be consuming me.
I personally like to look up my dreams maybe it’s because I tend to dream A LOT. I wonder if I tend to dream because I am fascinated once I look them up?
So its done. I am officially a divorced woman. Upon opening my mailbox, and coming across my empty envelope from the court directing me to go back to NY court , room _ and pay $8 for a notified copy of my divorce, my heart sunk. Then in shocked and awe I walked to my apt door and couldn’t help but to feel happy and disappointed at the same time.
Finally, my strings with my past lover were completely finished.
I now belonged to a different set of women classifications. Now, when filling out a questionnaire that requests status and asks to check a box, it no longer ‘single’. Instead it will be ‘divorced’. uyyy…It somehow makes me feel old.
If you would have asked me July 2009 how I saw my future, I would have claimed by this time this year I would have probably pregnant with my first child. Life never plans out like you expect it. This is clearly an example of that. regardless, I am happy and after all, this is what I wanted after separating.
After shouting to my sister: “hey, am officially a divorcee!” all the sudden couldn’t help but to think: “damn, am too broke to throw that divorced party right now…”
Reading other people’s blog is very entertaining I have to say until you find a word, or a person who could be someone you perhaps know…
I wont say details but reading a post today, I came across the word Swissknive.
This triggered the memory when I found the explicit chats between my soon to be ex-husband and his lover. Any who, he used swissknive as a name for his penis. Is that something men do? Label their privates as knives???
This was something that left me wondering…so when I confronted him he said it was just a saying. huh
So now, I wonder If I will always associate specific words to him and his language? It also doesn’t help that I was with the dude almost 13 years…
I mean, I don’t want to completely forget him which I think it’s ‘freaking impossible!’ (also a term from one of our favorite movies, Half Baked)
But I do wish sometimes I can have a conversation, read something, remember a time of my life with out the melancholic memories that involved him. THat’s it! I don’t mind remembering him. But I do have a problem when those memories turn out to be a bit sentimental or full of resentment.
Reading is healthy for the soul and the mind. Now, reading something with a meaning and a message could be life changing.
Currently I am finishing a book that has embedded me with a new aspect in life.
All healthy of course.
I think everyone needs to read to be entertained but is so refreshing when a book makes you think. And not think like when you were i school…but things you actually enjoy!
I feel renewed and my eyes and mind keep opening with every page. I luv it!
I even when to the extend to buy it for one of my friends that tends to attract drama in her life.
Why does she does it to herself is beyond me. I personally feel my life right now is pretty good and the view of my life situation is A-Okay.
But now with my new literature it just gave me confirmation of the way I am embracing life and conducting myself is the way it should be.
This doesn’t mean that I am perfect since I know I am not. But reading does make you go hmmm….
Back in 1986 there was a massive earthquake in EL Salvador, I happened to be living there and it caused a lot of changes in my life.
One, I started to experience my six sense as some may call it of seeing and sensing supernatural effects around me.
Second, we moved to a garage section of our living quarters since most of the house was destroyed and eventually we were kicked out.
Third, as a result, my sisters and I were tossed around from uncle’s house to father’s house to New York, US with our estranged mother.
It was a weekend day during the afternoon. Walking thru a hallway, the floor started to shake uncontrollably but me being persistent and not knowing what was happening, continued to hold on to walls and attempted to walk towards my grandmother when all the sudden the shaking ground had the best of me, making me lose complete control over my legs, landed me next to a large rectangle wood table. With in few seconds, the table came tumbling on top of me and landing on my thighs. Good thing I have always had thick cushioning things since I was not seriously injured. The table left me two huge bruises across my things. My sisters, grandmother and uncle, his wife and their two offsprings slept on the streets that night. Feeling the aftershocks that lasted all night. With the shaking of that earthquake, our lives were shaken aswell.
As a result of the quake, the house was no longer livable. My grandmother’s jobs was what you would call house-sitting for more than two decades. The house had its owners history and secrets involving supernatural involvement came alive.
Legend has it that the original house owners had made a pack with the devil and as a result they became wealthy.
As a result maybe, their house was haunted. So, when the house started to fall apart due to the earthquake, spirits were not happy.
And who would they taunt?…me. Being the youngest, I started to hear, see and experience all the weird things spirits do for one reason or another which is still alien to me.
Ofcourse that was scary and shocking for me being so young. I felt evil since I was the only one being sort of chased.
The house was no longer valuable, my grandma lost her job as a sitter. We (sister and I) moved in with an abusive, alcoholic uncle who clearly didn’t want us around. My Grandmother resulted hospitalized due to her diabetes. My two sisters and I ended up moving with out estranged father who already had a family of his own. We were obviously not wanted either and took us mainly because my mother would send her dollars.
He bare us for a year maybe since now, dates are blurry to me.
All I know, July 1988 we were in New York. With in one week living with my mother whose identity was strange to me considering she left El Salvador when I was barely two years old. I realized my life had changed and it was fucked up!
Ever wonder what is the proper thing to do when it comes to getting to know someone? What are the standards, do’s and don’ts? And even if the guide lines that those around you try to imprint in your head you probably still wount be able to know someone fully.
The old fashion way to get to know someone is to wait until you are married to find out how they are in bed.
Now a days the idea of waiting until you are married is out the window. Am sure the percentage of couples that follow this is a fraction. The other option other than doing it with in the three first dates is after the three months from the first date.
One particular wise friend advises the rest of my friends following the 90 days is the best rule and odds are you will see the persons true colors. When you stop and think about that, three months doesn’t sound so bad, right? Plus, the standard of three months would help to get to know someone on an intellectual level and non-physical terms. The problem would rise (literally) when you become tempted by spending too much time alone and watching movies in the comfort of a bed or couch doesn’t help. Consumed with attraction and temptation physical temptation gets the better of both.
This would definitely conclude in crossing the line in a second!
After the deed has happened, Does it mean you can’t get to know that person even if you continue to see them every week?
This can be debated. My family vs. a couple of promiscuous girlfriends.
I am modern and old fashion at the same time. As an overview its best to know each other past the first few dates. If the chemistry is there and you have no expectations from this other person, why not? IF pleasure is what you seek, I think its okay to cross the line before the three months.
The terms are different if as a woman, what you are looking for is marriage.
Then, this is when the three months rule should be applied. As some guy friends have said to me: “your shit is gold”. So, women should always treat it as such and try to keep the men intrigued as long as they can.
Regardless, I do not condemn nor support if women decide to sleep with someone before the three months or after. To each its own. I feel its more important to know yourself because odds are, you will never really get to know someone in three months or even years! Its much essential to get to know their intentions rather than get to know them in a personal way. However, my family is stronger about keeping your legs closed until you know it’s a serious relationship.
This is when it becomes a personal issue with my family. They expect me to know better and make wise decisions based on what they expect of me. The way I see it, I am a grown woman who has adopted a more americanized ways compared to the old school ways my sisters were brought up. It may not be necessarily good but I live my life the way I want it. I sometimes can be promiscuous in my own ways. But there are times, I play hard to get. I like to have fun and do respect me doing so.
I also try to live with out regrets but I have to confess sometimes my actions have brought me to regret certain part of my life. After a bad repercussion, I can’t help but think back to what my siblings advise me. And ponder that perhaps if I adopt their ways of living, I would avoid sour moments my actions have caused me.
Dont get me wrong, I feel I have manners and morals that have helped me through life. But at the same time, I feel people in general need to learn from mistakes. But at the end, does anyone really learn?
It might take time, but I like to think we all learn from our mistakes. At least, am trying.
Could it be true that if you give up your guard down and have sex, the guy will lose interest? – Not necessarily, it seems it can also happen when referred to them as small time liar and acting their age!
But honestly, I feel if you lied on one small thing, odds are you will lie again. If I am around, you bet I will call you on it. And if you happen to be young, that is what you are. Being shocked by my view on things and catching an attitude doesn’t help the situation either. I say, take it and hopefully see for what it is.
Everyone is entitled to their view on certain things especially if you have previously been lied to. I am opinionated and I seem not to have a problem expressing myself. It works for me and its a productive and healthy way to keep the communication flowing among two people.
Communication and always expressing your thoughts and feelings sometimes can reflect on you as a mean person. I personally view it as my antennas are high and alert. Especially when it comes to men that are attempting to woo me. Lies will get you no where no matter how miniscule the lie may be.
I feel you need to be able to read people and if you see a bad hair of shadyness…put your guard up or keep it moving. I am in a place in my life I crave positive and truthful people around me. If you are not one, keep it moving because I will not have you around me.
Life and things are so much smooth sailing when there is no drama nor concerns. THis is the way I live my life from now. I would like to take a moment and thank those special people who live life as wonderfully as they are beautiful inside. They are full of energy, positive aura and have shown me a bit of how life is meant to be lived.
In one way or another I have always been a picky person but now, I feel am extra picky when it comes to any potential mate. I guess I have open up my eyes on what is important and what qualities I want from my future partner. This, after making a decision of being with someone because of emotional attachment, and not necessarily of being in love. I settled for scraps. Well, I say, no more. I put my foot down and what I want is definitely honesty, respect and consideration above an eternal love for me.
This man will be smart enough to do all he has to do to get my heart and once he gets it treasure it as it was his own. This may sound a bit girly and cheesy but I do know he exists and we will find each other sooner or later. Hopefully it will be soon…
If you are not that man- I will be moving on to the next one…
Attracting the opposite sex can sometimes be more easier than what people tell you. At least this is what I have experienced now that am separated and relationship free.
One particular case:
It was a rainy day during the month of June. My sister and I feeling hungry decide to go get some take out. After debating if to order in or go outside and get Chinese food we come to the decision to go out despite of the pouring rain.
Waiting for our food and discussing my latest guy crush when all the sudden with the corner of my eye I spot a car make a U-turn and pull in front of the place. Standing and facing the store window from the inside I see the man get out of the car and stand in front of the Chinese takeout door as uneasy and debating if to go in or not. As I continue my conversation I accidentally make eye contact with him.
Apparently all he was waiting was my eye contact and so he cracks open the door and ask me to step outside. A bit confused and feeling a bit weird I automatically say no. He mentions his car is parked right outside and it would just be a second. At that moment, he obviously doesn’t realize that making such a point just might scare me more to go outside and risk the chances of being force into a car by a stranger who clearly he is to me!
At least, this is the New Yorker thing and being a female one can never too careful. He goes on and ask my sister to let him ‘borrow’ me for a second…now, am thinking buddy, that’s he last person to even think would let u take me outside with you!!!..
My sister of course replies: “no, she is not going outside”
At this moment, am thinking.. is this really happening?…
When he realizes am being either stubborn or scare he comes in to the chinese take out introduces himself and shakes my hand. All the sudden I feel like am in an interview with the usual uncomfortable questions someone asks when they want to get to know you in a flash of a second.
If I live around the neighborhood, what do i do, if I go to school…etc.
At that moment in my head starts spinning and trying to really capture what is really happening and thinking ‘what is this?! -
As he continues with the questions, I shut him down as politely as I could, regardless the fact he was somewhat okay looking I stop him on his tracks and told him am on a relationship and cannot entertain anything with him.
With that being said, he steps back and says “of course! but I had to try”…and with that perhaps my prince charming left.
My sister considers him a weirdo right from the bat. As he gets in his car, makes a U-turn and speeds away .my sister says: “Imagined he would have made a U-turn to just come talk to you!”
there, I point out the fact He DID made a U-turn…shocked she turns and clearly sees him speed away and say “No WAY!!!!”
Then it dawns me what about if I just turned down my Hindu future hubby?!!
She goes on assuring me what he did was bold but never the less weird and just too out of the ordinary. Clearly he was a stalker perhaps a rapist!
As we walk home I make jokes of how I could have had three weddings since he WAS Hindu.
Lets just say he was somehow normal but believed in making his own destiny and fate. Then again, how often does anyone does that?..You have to be extra bold or desperate.
Definitely not a way to approach someone like me. Or perhaps due to this experience, I may be a bit more open to meet someone that way…? Because after all, am still very new to this and if I did missed the chance of being happily ever after…wait-on second thought… I like to think he just wasn’t for me.
And in a way, I am also making my own destiny.
