Doubts

Growing up, I always imagined myself doing something in the creative world.  Somehow somewhere, I lost track and now I work at a desk job and even though am thankful I have a job, its not a career.  And odds are that most likely my next job will probably be something similar since I am already stuck in this industry.  

I always have enjoyed reading and writing.  But because my type of writing was never poems or fiction but more like personal anecdotes, I thought that wasn’t enough to pursue a career as a writer.  

At some point I wanted to be an actress but I realized I probably wasn’t THAT good. So that went out the window.

There was also another time when I was inspired and wanted to change the world so I attempted to become a journalist and I even finished my bachelors in Media but I lost the drive while still in school. 

I blame the fear of not being good enough. The lack of drive.  The reality I need money one way or another.  And lets face it- I have doubt.  Doubt on what I wanted to be while I was still young.  I know am still young but doubt clouds my head.  Other than doubt in myself, at this point it’s doubt on what I really want to do for the rest of my life.  

I can’t say I wished I was still young because I don’t think I had the best childhood.  I can’t even say I wished I was a teenager because even that time of my life sucked!~ well, not completely…but still.  So now, I look forward to life and try to find joy on everything at task. Turn my focus on other things such as family, friends and new things in my life.  

Am content but I still wished I had a sense of career other than going with the flow.

 

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Could it be him?

So a while back I had said I wanted either Superman or no one.  I am one of those women that write down things and make a list of things they want including characteristics in their men.  I call it ” My Criteria” and yes, I carry it with me.  No, not on my wallet like you may be thinking..its on one of my Cell Phone Notes.

Last time I read it was because I was showing it to someone.  I was grabbing a drink with a guy that I thought was cute but too young for me.  I think I showed it to him because he asked me what I am looking for and was wondering why I was still single. So I whipped it out and had him read it. In a way to maybe prove him how specific I am about what and who I’m looking for.  Now that I look back, maybe it was me unconsciously shooing him away as well. 

Two months have passed and him and I have been hanging out more that I ever expected.  Last night, I found myself reading my criteria and analyzing it to that same guy!  Something I thought I would have never done 2 months ago. 

Life does work mysteriously and now am thinking even though he doesn’t meet everything on that list, he meets most of those things.  I wonder if he is my Superman that came out of nowhere.

hmmm…

To be continued…

Poison and Cat.jpg

Halloween in Vegas

A very well know phrase when talking about Vegas “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” So am not going to go into specifics of my last all girls Vegas trip Oct 2012. As any trip, it was full of fun times and I discovered that I am a bit more bold than I thought I was. It makes me think maybe my friends are right about me! I am a wild child.

I have to confess for the first time Vegas with the girls was not a blur. Very proud of that! All I experienced and did was under a sober state that it made me a bit scare about things I am capable of doing with no regrets.

It just reinforced my life motto: Live everyday with no regrets.

IVY and Me

I have come to the conclusion DC Comics’ Poison Ivy and I may have something in common after all.  She is one of Batman’s enemies.  Me, I have no luck with men.  She is a fatal beauty that doesn’t find love perhaps because she kills any man with her lethal kisses.  I, on the other hand, don’t kill the bastards but when I kiss them something tends to happen that I apart myself from them or they change their behavior so I dismiss them.  Unconsciously, there is a reason that this year i picked Poison Ivy as my costume for Halloween costume!

Everything seems to go nice and dandy and somehow by the 2nd or 3rd date, I kiss them and poof! they become something from my past. 

Recently there was this Irish guy- no names. I respect their identity as well as mines, kinda embarrassing.  We went on our first date and I told him there was no spark and rather be friends if he is up for it.  He got mad and couldn’t believe my straight forwardness.  So after few weeks he kept insisting to hang out.  We finally did and it was actually nice.  I thought to myself: perhaps I was being too fast on not giving this guy a chance.  So a week went by and he asked me out again.  I had a great time with him so why not?  Dinner and then went on a double date with a friend of mines and toward the end of the night, that’s when he starting to act himself I guess..? (not in a good way)  Now I think he thought because we kissed, he figured I would be attach to his hip (BTW, It was a very feminine kiss- not manly enough for me)  When we were leaving the lounge, he just picked up and left and accused me of yelling at him.  He must have thought I was going to chase him to ask what was wrong but I kept walking with my friends instead.  I was stunned and knew I didn’t do such thing.  He apologized the next day and asked to forgive him..you can guess the results of his actions.  He obviously showed me he was a immature and not the type of man I would like in my life not even to waste time.

So there you go.  This is an example how my kiss was maybe a bad move in this case since it made him think he ‘had me’.  A guy two months ago did a similar thing as well.. that case was because I kissed him and he figure I would tolerate him canceling me last minute prior to our 3rd date. You can guess what happened there too.

Poison Ivy and I posses similar traits and I like it.  Oh yes, did I mention Halloween celebration is in Vegas  this year?…Vegas, here I come! 😀

Where art thou My Superman? Not on Online sites!

As a single lady, I have experienced what it is to meet men thru on line websites.  It has become very popular and in some cases very successful.  Not for me.

I did the Match.com for a year and went on few dates.  The outcome:  No man, but it was definitely a learning experience.  It gave me the balls and confidence to put myself out there and overcome my shyness.  I also learned men lie a lot about their height!  Very disappointing…Overall, I had good dinners, drinks and conversations but nothing more.

Took a break and decided to give it another shot.  So I tried eharmony.com for one month and I have to say, it was definitely $20 wasted.  I learned that men from eharmony lie about their age!  Never went on any date with anyone to find out if they also lie about their height like the ones from match.com.

So there you have it –

After no luck, You probably think I would give up.  I sort of did give up but a girl needs entertainment…so I heard about free sites!

Mingle2.com- hmmm..where should I start.  Men there look so much older than their profile age. I already had my skepticism that these type of men don’t like to tell their real age but it becomes way to obvious when they claim to be 38 but somehow, there is a picture of their father!  You also have those who want to privately chat with you while on line and their location: India!!!  Or even worst part is those who continue looking at your profile everyday and send emails once a week without me answering one! Stalkers. What I learned from this site is that when online dating is free- all types of shit can go down.  Not pretty.  Not for me.  Not even for shits and giggles.

But the most cynical and loathing site is the one created for men and women to have affairs!  Ashley Madison.com -Whatever happened to ” I need to hide my ring” I know, I know,.. still shitty message but at least it probably gives some kind of knowledge to the other person there is something wrong and they know it.  Anywho- yes, I joined that site with with no intentions to meet anyone meaningful but to scope the type of men there.  Well, I have to say, according to their pictures, the ratio of good looking went up.  But the fact that they are under ” in a relationship” or “married” category, its just despicable, disgusting and just wrong.  I found myself profoundly repulsed by all those men despite of their looks, income, etc…I never even uploaded a picture and had so many hits for being a Hispanic female, 5’2″, petite/toned, dark hair, dark eyes.  Men were sending me their “private photos”! and one very disturbing of his nasty bonny body! ugh…

On line dating may work for some women, am definitely not one of them.  And it doesn’t have to do with me being a picky person.  I know what am looking for in a guy.  And I want what I want.  Under 5 feet height, body odor, no plans of family and kids, pretentious and cheap no need to apply. 🙂

 

 

 

Boredom

I am so bored out of my mind that I don’t know where to start.  Currently at work, slow Friday which is good but at the same time makes my day drag.  

I browse the internet for deals and things I don’t need.  Such a waste of money if I do end up buying anything.  I can always entertain my self by the everyday casual flirt with a co-worker that seems to have the hots for me, but too much of that is bad.

So this is why I decided to blog about nothing.  

This reminds me: He has not called.  He has not text.  I do miss him but I wont call him.  He is def not worth not even for casual encounter.  I have to repeat that to myself to keep from calling or texting him.  Sad and embarrassed to accept it.  I need to start dating but then again, I really dont want to.  I want the man of my dreams to find me.  Im tired of trying find ways of seeking him.  On line dating is so redundant and I really have lost the eagerness.  I dont know why I even signed up.  I am a hot mess.

Time After

For a while now, I even had forgotten I had started a secret blog full of silly and crazy killing time thoughts. (Thanks to that special friend who inscribed me)
Just yesterday I revisited my entries and realized wow! ok… I really had all these emotions after being a newly divorced huh? Its been a while and I definitely think blogging helped.
Its been 3 years now of singleness and I have learned a lot about myself. And on course of that, I have become this new person. The best part is that as any human being, one continues to evolve and growing with the years. Others call that old age. Not me. I call it becoming wiser. The more you reflect, the wiser you become. (or one can hope)

This blog and my personal journal helped me with the dark feelings, sad emotions and just pondering of who I was becoming or evolving. Perhaps I should continue…

Up until now I have never considered letting anyone that is close or even knows me to read any of these entries. I guess that’s a fraction of an example on how I have changed~

when tipsy- any news is shocking

So you can’t read my poker face especially thru the phone…I kept my cool.
At least that’s what I think.
So, it’s been months since my divorce was final and I have wished my ex happy holidays and this past week I decided to call him just to say hi. He informed me he has a girl friend.
I blame my reaction on being tipsy and alone waiting for a damn bus too long.
Any who, I kept my cool and told him good for him and hope all works out. But it was a different story once the conversation finished.
Waterfalls took over my eyes and I just couldn’t stop them. At that moment, I kept thinking : why the hell am I crying? then : this fucker found love and will probably get married before me!
Not once I realized better her than me. Or the fact I made the decision to leave him.
45 minutes later I finally made it home with the most puffy eyes I have ever experience out in public. Shared the news with one of my sisters and came with the conclusion I was a mess because it was one of those off guard things- I was just surprised he told me. So being unexpected news was the results of my emotions (my justification)- Also, lets not forget the fact I have recently switched my birth control so that has me hormonal, aka sensitive. 🙂
I am also dating but not once I thought of sharing my news with him. Now I can’t help but wonder why…
But the story gets better when I get a text and see a missed call from him inviting me for lunch or dinner the next day. The reason: up to this day unknown since I declined.
THAT would have been really ridiculous. One thing is quick phone call another thing is actually spending time together.
I have no intentions and I can guarantee that was my last call to him.

news of baby from far…

irresponsible half bother having a child! WTF…

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dreams

My dreams tend to symbolize things, feelings, current environment or your interactions with others. The difference between my friends and I, I look up their meanings.

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